To the thinkers

I previously tried to write a post about resolutions and changes, goals and living, mistakes and regret…. but ended up writing, just to delete it. 

This time I’ll try again.

I live too much in my head. I think to the point that it hurts my head. I don’t express my thoughts. I don’t walk around talking about my feelings all day (and there isn’t anything wrong with that either). But on the outside, I am different than the person on the inside.

I live too much in my head. It hurts to think sometimes. I try to drown my thoughts by keeping busy — or by turning on the tv loud enough to mute my thoughts. I no longer hear them.

I live too much in the past. I think too much about it that it begins to hurt my head. How do I stop it? Tell me, how do you do it?

I live too much in the past. I think and I think until it becomes too much that it hurts my head. I see others living. Happy. Smiling. It looks so easy. But I don’t even know what’s going on in their heads. I become quiet. I see what I see but I can’t see what’s on the inside, because I myself am okay on the outside, as my thoughts eat me up on the inside.

I wish and wish for a time traveling remote. I can list instantly all the moments that I wish I can go back to.. to change the results of a single event. Multiple events. I worry too much. I worry about the future. I worry about things that may or may not happen. Sometimes all I do is worry. 

I get sad for things that haven’t even happened yet. I get sad for things that will happen. I get sad for the finale of things. Of paths I’ve taken and now reaching the end of them to be presented with other paths, which will be presented with more endings. I get sad for the finale of things. Of friendships and relationships. For those connections that will end, fall apart because of distance or changes in them, and we will no longer make new memories, it’s the end of new stories we can share. I get sad for the finale of the finale. Of life. So I worry and worry. How do I stop worrying? 

I drown myself into my thoughts until it’s so heavy, I can no longer move. I drift away into a calm, waveless sleep.

For those who think that they think too much, 
for those who worry too much,
and for those who feel too much,

I’m with you. You’re not alone. And I understand. 

It’s one, two, three days…  of a rough, stormy sea that you have to navigate and sail away from – to get to a calm, beautiful day. To await the next storm, but as you wait, you have to enjoy that beautiful day. Enjoy it because you deserve it. Because I know how much your head hurts and now, you can finally rest and enjoy. Breathe in. You made it to another beautiful day.

Life is an endless cycle of beauty and pain. It’s tragically beautiful and it’s unfair and it’s okay. Do good, it fills your heart up and it’s those beautiful relationships that you connect  with, so effortlessly that makes it worth it. The jokes you share. The laughs till you cry. Cheeks hurting from smiling too much. The beauty around you. Dogs. Cats. How deep the oceans are. How big the mountains can be. Whatever you connect with. You’ll find clarity with that. 

Life is challenging. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to share your thoughts. People will love you and accept you. They will understand. Maybe not everyone but that’s okay. Because there’s someone out there who will get you and understand. And not just one person, but your small army of those someones who will be there. Just hold on.

In the 5th grade, for Christmas, my classmate gave everyone a card of what their name signifies and I’ve never forgotten mine – Alexandra (n): helper of mankind

If I had powers, I wish I can heal. I can heal you, me, animals, anyone and anything. I wish wash away all your fears and pain. I will grant you the courage and happiness to enjoy life every day. For this world to be your playground. To live. But I can’t do that. As much as I can wish and wish. Because only you can do that. Just like I can only heal myself. But we can help and hold on to each other, carry one another if we fall, and wait by one another’s side until we finish riding that storm and we reach smooth sailing. 

Be strong. You got this. And if you need a friend, I’m here.

Alexandra

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